i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
