none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
she smelled like a LAN party
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
