just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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