dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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