I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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