after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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