Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize