I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
