She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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