I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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