I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize