dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
