Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
3 2 1 whiskey
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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