Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
