when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
