How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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