Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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