dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize