Will you blow on my dice?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
