we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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