Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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