dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize