Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
