I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
