I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
