I bet he comes in French.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
