I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
