Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
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