I'm really into asian looking animals
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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