im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
