I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
