Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
