He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
