Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
