Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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