and next time when you feel me up, do it right
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize