my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
wow bdsm is so cute
Omg I joined a choir last night...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
