i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
