Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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