ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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