life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize