i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
