I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
