Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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