i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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