none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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