im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You are the jesus of drinking
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
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