marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
