FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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