using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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