I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
