Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
