I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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