I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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