I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
