I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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