ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
