I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
