for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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