im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
