I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize